


Listen to Me

by ashallee



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Post-Civil War (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-06-15 04:31:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15405030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashallee/pseuds/ashallee
Summary: How does someone find the sun again, when all he's known is the cold?





	1. Chapter 1

One year. 

That was as much as Steve Rogers could take before demanding that King T’Challa unfreeze the Winter Soldier. Bucky protested violently once he realized that there was no cure,  _ furious  _ that Steve would be so selfish. But Steve couldn’t bear to see Bucky trapped behind the glass, frozen in time  _ again _ , and missing out on life...a life that was taken away from him. A life that he didn’t get to live.

So, with a new metal arm, he was packed up from the lush and beautiful Wakanda and shipped off to the Avengers compound, where he was received by a newly unified team, as well as some new additions. Tony Stark even welcomed him back with a bittersweet smile, furnishing a room for the new recruit, but Steve noticed that Bucky found it hard to maintain eye contact with Tony for too long, or anyone else for that matter. The past hung over his head...the things he'd done, the people he killed; he said he remembered every single one of their screams. They haunted him at night, waking him in a cold sweat, a cry stuck in his throat. Once, Steve woke up and found Bucky with his fist stuck in the wall, not remembering how he got there.

That's when Steve knew it was time to find help.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU where Infinity War never happened (because it was depressing), so this fic takes place more or less after Civil War. Also, I love Bucky. Enjoy!

Bucky stood in front of the office door, debating whether to knock or run. This was the  _ fourth  _ psychologist that Steve and Tony had selected for him; none of the others had been able to crack him, and Steve was worried. Bucky’s night terrors hadn’t decreased at all in the past few months; even locking his door at night didn’t work. Bucky smirked coldly at the thought; the Winter Soldier _knew_ how to get through a door.

Bucky was more or less accepted by the other Avengers. Though they did their best to make him feel like a part of the team, there was, understandably, still some tension with some. Like Rhodey. Even Thor was wary of him--probably because his metal arm looked so much like the Destroyer from Asgard--but otherwise he was civil.

He lifted his hand, and the door opened before he could knock. A young woman stood on the threshold, a welcoming smile lighting up her features. He didn’t expect her to be so young, in her late twenties, maybe. 

This  _ is who Tony suggested? _ Bucky thought with embarrassment.  _ A little girl barely out of medical school? _

“Sergeant Barnes.” Her voice was warm as she gestured to the couch across the room. “Please have a seat. I'm Doctor Leigh Andale; I understand Captain Rogers and Mr. Stark arranged for your appointment today?”

“Yeah, they did.” Bucky looked at the couch and then back at the doctor, who had taken her place in a comfortable chair on the other side of the coffee table. She looked completely at ease, as though she had no idea who she was in this room with. Hesitatingly, he walked over to the couch and sat, taking his hat off when he looked at her and running a hand through his hair. He glanced around the room, squinting at the bright morning sunlight that illuminated the small office. The walls were a soft, white colour, accented with rustic furniture pieces and a wide bookshelf. It seemed more like a cheerful apartment than an office. When he looked at her again, he saw that she held no notebook, no pen. She just sat there, watching him with a smile and her hands folded in her lap.

“Aren’t you supposed to take notes, or something?” he ventured. He more or less expected her to have a box of files on him, and for her to be assessing him like a lab rat, like the other ones. Instead, she shook her head and leaned farther back into her chair, getting more comfortable.

“I don’t want to diagnose you, or study you. I just want you to talk to me, like you would to a friend.”

“You’re not my friend,” he said honestly, but he winced when her forehead creased slightly at his comment. “Sorry. The last time a ‘doctor’ tried to get into my mind, I turned back into a machine.”

Dr. Andale sighed. “Sgt. Barnes, I know you’ve been through a lot, and I also understand if you don’t feel like speaking to me about it. Captain Rogers cares about you, and he wants you to get the help you need. But I can’t help you if you don’t at least talk about something.  _ Anything _ ,” she pleaded. “It’s always hardest to get started. It will get much easier, I promise.”

“Call me Bucky,” he offered, hoping to ease the tension, but she shook her head again.

“Nicknames are based on trust. We don’t trust each other yet, so I’ll only call you Sgt. Barnes until then. Or James, if that's okay.”

He shifted in his seat. “And what if I never trust you?”

“We’ll figure that out later. For now, I'd like to get to know you. Where are you from? When did you first meet Steve?”

He exhaled harshly, already knowing where this conversation would go; he’d had it a dozen times. “We were kids together back in Brooklyn.” 

“Was it really as cool back then as I imagine it?” Bucky looked up at her and saw her leaning forward, with her chin in her hands. She looked genuinely interested, her dark eyes big with excitement. She shifted forward some more when he didn’t say anything. “I'm sorry; I just love hearing stories about those days.”

He was surprised that Dr. Andale didn't ask him more about his personal life. They spent the next hour discussing what the world was like back in the forties, and it felt good to remember pleasant things for once, instead of being bombarded with personal questions like before. By the time their session was over, he didn't want to stop talking, which was a first for him.

“It all sounds incredible,” she said wistfully as she walked him to the door. “It must be hard to adjust to the world today.”

“It haven’t really had the time,” Bucky admitted, and then a dark look crossed his face. “I was too busy killing people.”

Dr. Andale frowned as she stopped to think. “For our next session, I'd like for you to not talk about your, uh, ‘work’.” She opened the door. “We'll keep things light, ok? Happy thoughts only!” Her tone elicited a chuckle from him as she smiled triumphantly. “That's a good idea! Before we meet next week, I want you to watch one movie or TV show that makes you laugh.”

“You're giving me homework?”

“Ask Sam for suggestions. He's got a great sense of humor.” Her tone was more serious now. “As corny as it sounds, laughter is the best medicine.”

Not really buying into it, he made his way back to the compound and found Sam in the kitchen with Clint, who had stopped by to pick up Natasha for lunch with his family.

“Hey, man!” Sam turned to him, dabbing his forehead with the towel draped over his shoulders. Bucky jerked his chin in response and gave a small smile to Clint, who nodded in return. “How did it go?”

“The same, I guess. She asked a lot of questions,” Bucky mumbled with a shrug. 

Sam frowned. “So you're gonna back out of this one too, huh?”

“I don't know,” Bucky admitted. “It wasn't so bad. Maybe I'll go back.” He looked up at Sam, who smiled at him expectantly. “I said  _ maybe _ .”

“Well that’s the more promising than usual,” Clint commented. “Dr. Andale must have been really good for you to even  _ consider  _ seeing her again. She’s what, your third therapist?”

Bucky tried to fight the blush that suddenly erupted on his cheeks. “Fourth.”

“We're lucky Tony managed to hire her before anyone else could. Can you believe how young she is?” Sam shook his head. “She’s also easy on the eyes, if you know what I mean.”

“Wow, Sam,” Clint laughed. “Your mind never strays far, does it?”

Bucky listened to their exchange from his seat on the barstool, silently contemplating the morning he’d spent with the doctor. He enjoyed talking with her; it was easier than he was used to. But how easy it was for her to get him to open up terrified him, and this after only a few hours. It took Steve months to even start to scrape the surface of Bucky’s thoughts.

And she was pretty, there was no denying that. Not in the stunning, blinding kind of way, but the gentle, comforting way that made you want to smile when she smiled or wonder what you did to make her laugh so you could do it again. And that scared him too. It would be too easy for her to get too close, to get under his skin. To Bucky, she was more lethal than any opponent or weapon he had ever come across.

  
Only three hours spent with her, and he felt worse than before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short, I know. Another chapter coming soon!  
> Thanks so much for reading!

Leigh leaned against the door after watching James walk down the hall and to the elevator. Sighing, she sat in her chair and rested her elbows on the desk, running her fingers through her dark hair. 

This was the job of a lifetime for her; she couldn’t believe she got to work with the Avengers. When Tony Stark showed up at her parents’ house, Leigh almost dropped to the floor in a faint. She was living at home while still working part time to pay her tuition fees and he announced that there was a position at the Avengers base if she wanted it. Tony didn’t even have to give her details. Her shriek in agreement was out before he finished his sentence.

It wasn’t easy at first, listening to their problems. It took her nearly a month to get over some of the things she was told: aliens, monsters, spaceships, secret missions. Her head was reeling after some of her first sessions with Steve, with Natasha and Sam sometimes. Tony, especially, had a lot to get off of his chest. But she eventually found that the best way to deal with them wasn’t to ‘treat them’. They mostly needed someone to just listen, someone on the outside who wouldn’t judge them or balk at the things they’d been through. That was easy for Leigh to do; she considered them all her friends anyway, and Tony was paying her more than she ever dreamed of making. He said that whatever she was doing worked, and they all felt their burdens eased by her presence. That in itself was enough payment for her.

It all seemed to be going great until Bucky Barnes’ name came up from Steve. Leigh didn’t know the man, but one look at Steve’s face was enough to make her agree. She held her breath and put on her best smile when she heard the knock on her door, not knowing what to expect. This was the Winter Soldier, after all; a ruthless assassin and HYDRA’s most valuable weapon.

She certainly didn’t expect  _ him _ .

It took all of her willpower not to let her smile falter into a look of complete shock. He looked absolutely normal. A bit scruffy. Incredibly handsome.

He also looked like an animal that was cornered. His eyes darted around the room, taking in every detail, his face drawn into himself as he watched her warily. So, Leigh did everything she could to make him comfortable. It wasn’t totally easy, but eventually he warmed to her. She even managed a laugh out of him by the end of it. She liked his laugh. It made her want to laugh too.

_ Whoa _ . She caught herself before her thoughts went any further. There was a line she prided herself on maintaining with her patients. Friendly is one thing, but if she kept it up, she would be headed into dangerous territory. 

  
But she  _ did  _ allow a small smile to stretch across her lips as she pulled out a notebook to make notes on her session, the Winter Soldier’s chuckle echoing in her ears.


	4. Chapter 4

_ He had his hands wrapped around a neck. When he looked up, he saw the lips of a familiar warm smile turn grey as he squeezed the air from Leigh's throat. The more he tried to stop himself, the tighter his metal hand curved. He heard bones cracking and tiny gasps as her eyes locked with his, the light within them growing dimmer... _

 

He decided to go back about a two weeks later.

Dr. Andale didn’t seem surprised at all when he showed up to her office. She welcomed him as warmly as she did the first time he met her, and it made him twist his lip suspiciously. 

“Did anyone tell you I was coming?” He asked her, still standing as she took a seat in her chair.

“Nope.” She gestured to the couch, but he still stood by the door. Dr. Andale raised an eyebrow at him, her eyes sparkling with mirth, as if she might burst out in giggles at any moment. Bucky sighed and shook off his jacket, setting it aside as he sat down heavily on the couch. “A penny for your thoughts?” she asked him, and he felt the corner of his mouth move up only slightly.

“You’re a little young to be saying that these days.” Hearing such an antiquated phrase fall so easily from her lips made his stomach clench. It made him feel  _ old _ . But she only laughed, and the knot untied itself at the sound. “Look, if it’s alright with you, I’d rather not talk about the ‘good old days’ today. It only reminds me of how ancient I really am.”

“You’re not  _ that  _ old, James.”

He was startled for a moment at her voice saying his name; it sounded nicer than anything he’d ever heard before. But then his scowl returned as he remembered his nightmare. “I should be dead.”

“Why do you say that?”

_ Because it would be easier that way _ , Bucky thought with a melancholy sigh. He looked up at her and saw that she was watching him expectantly. Like she knew what he was thinking.  _ Stop reading my thoughts _ , he silently begged her. “Never mind.”

“You know, I don’t know anything about what you’ve been through,” Dr. Andale said after a moment. Her voice was soft, as if she was afraid talking too loud would spook him. “I can’t relate with anything about my life. But, maybe that’s a good thing? Maybe being on the outside makes it easier for me to understand, to sympathize with you. Which I do, already,” she assured him. 

Bucky looked up at her, and her eyes were tender as she watched him. He shifted uncomfortably and looked away, the light in her eyes becoming too painful to look at. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Then why did you come back?”

His eyes shot up to hers in surprise. Why  _ did  _ he come back?  He stared forward, quiet for a long time until he said the thing that had been weighing on him since he saw her last. “I have nightmares.”

“About what?”

“Hurting people.” He looked at her again. “Hurting you.”

“Me? ” Dr Andale blinked. “What were you doing, exactly?”

He explained his nightmare to her the best way he could without getting into details, as she sat quietly the entire time. After he was finished, Bucky shrugged and expected her to have security at the door any minute to escort him out. But she didn’t look scared; she looked  _ intrigued _ .

“That’s...something. Wow. It’s like you were cutting off my words so they don’t get to you.”

“Wait, you’re not worried?” He interrupted, unbelieving. “About me...hurting you?”

“Do you want to?”

“No.” His response was immediate, insistent. “ _ Never _ .” She smiled at him, and Bucky felt a warm feeling spread throughout his entire body. “I never want to hurt anyone again.”

Dr Andale nodded, and reached out to take his metal hand. “I know.” 

 

* * *

 

“And just where have  _ you _ been, mister?” Tony asked in a mock mother tone when Bucky arrived back at the compound. The Avengers (the ones who happened to be around) were sitting at a dining room table, having dinner, and they all looked at him expectantly as he scurried by, embarrassed to have been caught coming back from Dr. Andale’s office. Instead of greeting them, Bucky ran straight to his room and took off his shirt, examining the metal arm at his side. The red star was still there like a tattoo, a reminder of his past, and Bucky reached up to touch it, hating it with every fiber of his being. He wanted it gone, sanded off or something...

He didn't hear Steve follow him into the room. 

“What’s the matter, Buck?”

Bucky looked at his best friend's reflection in the mirror and scowled. “I’m fine.”

“You know,” Steve said with a groan as he lowered himself to sit on Bucky’s bed, “You have a tell when you’re lying. It helps when we play poker, but it works this way too.” He shook his head sadly. “Is everything going okay with Dr. Andale?”

Bucky reached for his shirt, trying to tug it free from underneath Steve. “It’s fine.” Steve gave him a  _ look _ , and Bucky heaved a defeated sigh, leaving the shirt and rummaging through his dresser for a new one. “She listens to me.”

“That’s her job, buddy. I had sessions with her too, remember?”

“No, I mean she  _ listens _ .” Bucky’s voice rose, almost angrily. “She doesn’t try to change who I am by rationalizing my actions, she doesn't stare at me with judgment like the other ones did, and she doesn’t record anything that I say, so it’s all confidential, just between us.” He looked at him again. “She just lets me talk. And I do.”

“She doesn't take notes? Huh.” Steve tilted his head, curious. “What do you tell her?”

“I tell her  _ everything _ . It’s so easy.  _ Too  _ easy. I don’t really understand it; she’s the fourth person you guys have sent me to, but she’s the only one who’s gotten me to open up.”

Steve smiled knowingly at his friend. “Maybe you like her.”

Bucky sent Steve a warning glance.

“C’mon, Bucky. She's smart and she's nice, not to mention she's a looker. What's not to like?”

Steve was saying all of the things Bucky didn't want to hear, so he did what he always did when people were too close to the truth: push them away. “Will you get out of here, Steve? I want to be alone.” He saw a flash of hurt in his best friend’s eyes, and he twisted his lip guiltily. “But save me some of that dinner, huh? It smelled good.”

“Sure thing, Buck.” Steve gave him a half smile and closed the door behind him, leaving Bucky alone in the dark. He suddenly felt tired, like he hadn’t slept in a hundred years. He never really did, now that he thought about it; he was always having nightmares, or his demons kept him awake, staring at the ceiling. Tonight, though, he wanted to sleep and never wake up again, his bones and his heart heavy with age and misery.

He woke up the next morning in his own bed, feeling decently rested for the first time in years.

And, Bucky explained to a bewildered Steve when they sat down for breakfast, no nightmares either.


	5. Chapter 5

“I fold,” Sam said with a stretch. He groaned as he stood, headed for the fridge. “Anyone want a beer?”

Steve, Rhodey, Tony and Clint all raised their hands, while Bruce reached for the pretzels at his side and Bucky leaned forward in concentration, shaking his head. Some of the guys had gathered for their monthly poker game, sitting in the dimmed game room, smoking cigars and ‘shooting the breeze’, as Steve liked to put it. It was nice to have some guy time, though Nat and Wanda would join occasionally. Vision lingered too, but he was busy at the moment with a very distraught Peter Parker as the youngest Avenger demanded a rematch against him in _Mortal Kombat_.

“Man, I can’t tell you how great it is to finally have a break from fighting monsters,” Clint said, tossing two chips into the pot. “The wife has been happy to have me home.”

“I hear you. Oh, I fold, too.” Tony threw his cards down on the table and took the beer Sam offered him. “Nice to just sit around do nothing with Pepper. I never thought I’d be _happy_ to do nothing.” He flicked his eyes to Bucky quickly. “Dr. Andale says it’s good that I’m finally ‘relaxing’.”

The gears Bucky’s metal hand shifted only slightly at the sound of Leigh’s name, but enough for everyone to notice. “Oh, really?”

“Yeah. Actually, she said I never allow myself to relax, so I should just…”

“‘Do nothing’?” Steve repeated, and Tony rolled his eyes.

“Right. Anyways,” Tony focused his attention back to Bucky. “How are things going, Sarge? Leigh crack open that impenetrable brain of yours yet?"

_Right to the point_ , Bucky thought with a slight cringe. “It’s...good? I don’t know.” Bucky sat straighter and tossed a chip into the centre of the table. “I raise 10.”

Steve looked at him sympathetically. “Tony, don’t push him.”

“I'm just curious, Cap. No need to get defensive.” Tony took a sip of his beer, and tilted his head curiously at Bucky. “She’s lasted the longest out of all the doctors we booked, right? How many times a month do you see her?”

Steve gave Tony a warning glance. “Leave it, Stark.”

“I was only asking--” But before Tony could finish the thought, Bucky was out of his chair and walking out to the balcony. He could hear Tony and Steve arguing from inside, and he did his best to block them out until he felt a presence beside him.

“Those two are like an old married couple,” Sam mused, shaking his head. “You know Tony cares, right? In his own obnoxious way, he’s concerned about you. We all are.”

Bucky tensed his jaw. “I don’t see why. I tried killing all of you at some point.”

“Dude, you have to stop thinking that way,” Sam groaned. “Cap says you’re alright, and we trust him. Plus, you’ve more than proven that you want to be a part of this family; you actually _want_ to get help.” Sam clapped Bucky on the shoulder. “We’re proud of you for that.”

Bucky fought hard against the bubble of emotion that welled up in his chest when Sam left him alone. He didn’t deserve this from them, not after what he’d done. Sam called them a _family_. The Winter Soldier had no family.

_You’re not the Winter Soldier anymore._

The thought hit him intensely, and it was Leigh’s voice that he heard saying it. He took in a shaky breath, stubborn tears blurring his vision. He dashed them away quickly, before anyone could see him getting emotional, because the last thing Bucky wanted was a bunch of people clucking over him like over-protective mother hens. He wasn’t _that_ fragile, he thought bitterly. At least Leigh understood that. Suddenly, Bucky was sick of Tony always questioning him like he was some kind of prisoner, he was sick of Steve’s constant worrying like he was a child, he was sick of avoiding everyone because he was afraid that they would hate him. Leigh didn’t hate him, she didn’t coddle him.

She treated him like a person.

Bucky set up an appointment to see her the next day.

 

* * *

 

“I asked my mom to send me this a while back.” Leigh held out an old photo of two young men in uniform, laughing and waving. “I thought it would help as a conversation starter.”

He was sitting in Leigh’s office, the rain hitting the windows in a soft patter that lulled him into a sleepy state. His attention was brought back again as he took the photo from her, feeling a familiar pain in his chest as he stared at the image. They looked so innocent. “They have no idea what's coming,” he murmured.

“They definitely weren't the only ones. Everyone was affected by that war.”

He looked up at her quickly. “Even you?”

“Not me directly, but…” Leigh nodded. “My mother's father enlisted and was stationed in Normandy, on the front lines when they stormed the beach. He had even lied about his age to get drafted.”

“A lot of guys did.” He looked down at the image again. “Are these relatives?”

“This is my dad’s uncle,” she said, pointing to the taller man in the photo. “He made it back home, thank God, but apparently he was never the same. He kept mostly to himself. Never married, no kids.”

Bucky set the picture down onto the coffee table with a weary sigh. “Where was he stationed?”

“Poland. He helped liberate a camp there. I only met him once, but you remind me of him. You have the same haunted look that he had.” Leigh wrapped her arms around her shoulders, as if suddenly cold. “It broke my heart to see him that way; it made me wonder what horrible things he'd seen.”

Bucky shifted his eyes away. “Is that why you agreed to take on my case?”

“It's what makes me so determined to help you,” she responded tenderly, and he felt his cheeks turn warm. “After he became ill, my uncle said he was happy to die. He didn't want to live with the memories anymore. I don't want you to feel that way, James. You deserve to _live_.”

“How?” He balled his hands into fists. “How am I supposed to live with myself after the things I did?”

“What happened in the past is done. You have to learn to accept it as a part of you, and look ahead to the future.” She paused, exhaling through her nose. She looked seemed hesitant to speak, but she finally shook her head and closed her eyes before opening them again. “I'm going to tell you the truth, James. I can't cure you. Nothing can.”

Bucky stared at her for a long moment before throwing his hands in the air. “Then this is a waste of time, isn't it?” He questioned angrily. “I mean, why am I here if you can't fix me?”

“Who said anything about trying to _fix_ you? James, the things that you have in your head can’t be erased. It's impossible. I'm sorry, but I don't have some sort of miracle method to get rid of HYDRA’s years of brainwashing. I'm just trying to help you live with it.”

“So the stuff that HYDRA put in there will never go away?” He felt his heart drop as Leigh’s eyes filled, her nose turning red from holding back the tears that threatened to fall.

_No cure. There was no cure._

_It's impossible._

“I’m so sorry, James.”

Bucky waited a moment longer before getting to his feet and storming out of the office, not looking back at her once.

He knew Leigh wouldn’t try to stop him.


	6. Chapter 6

_ What have I done? _

Leigh paced in the empty gym, blindly maneuvering around the equipment while getting her stance ready to take on the punching bag. She landed the first punch, letting out a week’s worth of frustration over what had happened with James. 

_ Was I wrong _ ? She wondered as she delivered a right hook. Boxing usually helped when she needed to let off some steam; even though it was her job, it wasn’t easy to listen to everyone’s problems all the time and still keep her own sanity. So, she asked Steve for boxing tips when she first started working for the Avengers, and it seemed to help as a release. But this whole thing with James had thrown her for a loop, and the longer she attacked the bag in front of her, the more upset she became.

_ Was I wrong in telling him the truth? _   No. It wouldn't have been fair to keep it from him. She didn’t  _ want _ to keep hiding it. She cared about him too much to do that. She  _ had  _ to tell James that she couldn’t cure him, to save him from getting his hopes built up and then crashing down when he found out. 

Like what happened last week.

Leigh groaned as she landed a tornado of punches at the bag. It pained her to think James thought of her as just another person who hurt him. Sure, she’d used tough love on the others before, she would tell them straight to their faces when Tony was being unreasonable, or when Wanda needed to stop blaming herself for things she can’t control. But she’d never forget that look James gave her, a look of complete betrayal. She would do anything to take back what she said and to see that smile again, or hear that laugh...

She missed the bag on her last punch, landing on her elbows and scraping her knee, and when she sat up, she was surprised to feel tears on her face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter...but there's a longer one coming very soon!


	7. Chapter 7

One week turned into a month. Then two months. Steve looked to his friend in concern, asking constantly if he was okay, and it was all Bucky could do not to throttle his best friend. Annoyed by his worrying, and by everyone else trying to convince him to go back to see Leigh, Bucky locked himself in his room until one day, he decided he needed to get away from the Avengers base, if only for a few hours. A nearby town was the closest thing to the acres of property of the compound, and Bucky thought it was far enough to get away, but close enough in case there was trouble. The fact that Leigh lived in that particular town didn't mean anything. He didn't even know why he remembered her address. He had only seen it once, scribbled in one of Natasha's notebooks. He was just _walking_ ; no agenda, no intent on seeing her.

At least that’s what he kept telling himself.

But when he walked by her building and saw Leigh lugging two large boxes and a few full trash bags, trying to heft them into her car, he grimaced as he saw her struggling. He could tell she was cursing to herself as she reached down to catch the bag that slipped from her shoulder, and before he knew it, he was running across the road to help her.

“Son of a bitch,” she mumbled as Bucky approached, but she hadn't noticed him yet. He cleared his throat and she shot her dark eyes up to meet his, and he felt as though he had been suddenly tackled by Hulk.

He forgot how he felt when she looked at him.

“Hey,” he managed to find his voice. “Need a hand?”

“Thanks,” Leigh breathed, staring at him like she didn't believe he was there. Bucky took the boxes, easily lifting them as she made room for them in the trunk.

“Are you moving or something?” He asked, hoping to start a conversation. There were dark circles under her eyes; she must not have been sleeping well, he thought with concern.

“Just some spring cleaning. I had a bunch of stuff in storage that needed to go.” She turned to grab another bag. “Some if it is garbage, most of it is going for donations.” She gave him a small smile, but he could tell it was half-hearted. “How have you been?”

“I've been better,” Bucky admitted, and Leigh gave a little laugh as she tossed the bag into the back of the car.

They stood facing each other in silence once they were finished, the sky darkening into shades of orange and pink behind them until Leigh finally spoke.

“James, I’d like to apologize. I should’ve told you from the beginning that there was no cure. I just...I didn't want you to quit before you even started.”

He shook his head. “No, I shouldn’t have run out like that. You were only trying to help me. I’m sorry.” Bucky exhaled sharply, letting the silence stretch on for a few seconds before speaking again. “So, what do we do now?”

“That's entirely up to you.” Leigh looked around, and then grinned. “We could grab a burger, maybe?”

Bucky turned and followed her eyes to the little diner she spotted behind him. He smiled back at her, seeing her old sparkle returning, lighting her face up and lifting his own spirits.

“Sounds good to me.”

 

* * *

 

Bucky watched Leigh eat her food with genuine interest. She had spent a few minutes taking out the pickle and tomatoes before biting into the burger. “You gotta try it, James. It’s amazing!” She moaned in bliss.

Her mood had definitely picked up, and she seemed like her usual, happy self. Bucky grinned despite his awkward fidgeting at the sound she made, and took a sip of his soda. “Have you been here before?’

“I have breakfast here every morning. The staff knows me by now.” She gave a wave to the grey-haired hostess who was preparing a fresh pot of coffee. “Sue, this burger is unbelievable. Tell Elliot he’s a genius!”

The older woman laughed and leaned into the kitchen window, turning back after relaying the message to the chef. “He says you better give him a better tip than usual!”

Leigh giggled and Bucky shook his head discreetly, marvelling at Leigh’s ability to find friends wherever she went. Well, he figured, if she could crack his shell, she could get along with anyone. She wiped the grease away from her cheek. “So, how have you _really_ been?”

“Honestly?” James glanced up and fiddled with his straw. “I’ve been pretty miserable since we stopped seeing each other. I mean, this isn’t the ideal place for us to pick up where we left off with our appointments, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

Leigh sighed. “This _isn’t_ a session, James. We’re hanging out.”

“We are?”

“Yeah.” She took a fry and dipped it in ketchup. “Just two friends having dinner. So you’d better start eating your fries because I’m almost done mine, and I’m still hungry.”

Bucky laughed a genuine, unforced laugh, and relaxed his shoulders. “I forgot how good this could smell,” he said, digging into his burger, trying (without success) to keep the grease out of the crevices on his metal hand. “My siblings and I used to go to a diner just like this one when I would walk them home from school.”

“I didn’t know you had siblings.”

“Oldest of four.” His chewing slowed. “Billy and Tommy were twins, and Rebecca was the youngest. She always asked if I could buy her a strawberry shake.” He suddenly pushed his plate away. “You know, I haven’t thought of them until now? They’re probably dead for all I know.”

“James, you don’t have to talk about it.”

But he wanted to, so he kept going. “I don’t know if any of them ever got married, or had families; I probably have nieces and nephews out there that I’ve never met. All of my family, my friends...everyone except Steve is gone.”

“Can’t you go looking for them?”

Bucky scoffed. “And what would I tell them? ‘Hi guys! I’m your long-lost uncle!’” Bucky mimed in a high pitched voice. “‘Sorry I haven’t come by to see you, but I’ve been frozen on and off for the past seventy years, I’m one of the deadliest assassins in history and I have a robotic arm. Oh! And I almost killed Captain America!’” He grabbed a fry and dipped it roughly in Leigh's ketchup when he was finished his rant. “I think they’re better off not knowing me.”

“Don’t say that,” he heard Leigh whisper. “I don’t feel that way about you.”

“You don’t?”

She shook her head, and the way she stared at him made Bucky feel that bubble of emotion in his chest again, only this time, he thought it might explode at the tenderness on her face. “I’m _very_ happy that I’ve met you.”

 

* * *

 

It was late by the time they finished eating. Actually, they had spent most of their time talking about everything and anything they could think of. Bucky learned more about her life, wanting to know her as a person instead of as his therapist. He discovered that she hated tomatoes, she had a younger brother, her favourite book was something called ‘The Mists of Avalon’, and she had an unnatural talent at word search puzzles. He hadn’t remembered the last time he laughed so much as she told him stories from her childhood, and he re-lived his own memories with no sadness at all.

He walked her to her apartment, even though it was only across the street, and he stood at the bottom of the steps as she fiddled in her purse, searching for keys.

“I had a nice time tonight, Leigh,” he told her, and the smile he was rewarded with could’ve lit up the whole block. “I wish it didn’t have to end.”

“Did you want to come up? I have a fresh coconut cream pie in the fridge.” She shrugged. “I'm no Martha Stewart, but I _did_ use her recipe, so it's probably half decent.”

Bucky blinked in surprise. “Uh...I mean, are you sure? I don’t want your neighbors thinking anything else was going on--”

“James, this isn’t the forties anymore,” she interrupted him. “If I want to invite my friend up for dessert, I will. And no one cares anymore about that stuff anyways. So how about it?”

“Well, I never could say no when a lady offers pie. And coffee?” Bucky added hopefully. Leigh smiled.

“You know it.”

They walked into her apartment, and Leigh ordered him to make himself at home while she prepared the pie and coffee. “Nice place,” he said genuinely. It was small enough for one person, but comfortable. Bright, simple and inviting.

Just like Leigh.

She called him into the kitchen and they sat at her tiny kitchen counter, diving into the dessert, laughing as she tried to take it out of the dish without breaking the crust. Afterwards, they sat in her living room, comfortable silence surrounding them and content with their full bellies. She sighed and he smiled, wondering how many more nights he could have like this with her.

Then Bucky was surprised when Leigh suddenly got up from the couch, moving towards the stereo on her bookshelf. “Want to listen to some music?”

He was completely thrown off by her question, that he could only manage a stutter. “Uh…”

“I mean, you haven’t really had a chance to catch up on all the great stuff you missed. Let’s see, what decade are we in the mood for?” She searched through the selections on her phone, trying to decide what to play for him. “Any suggestions?”

He suddenly spoke without thinking. “Glenn Miller?”

She grinned and pressed the buttons as soon as she found what she was looking for, and he knew in an instant what song was playing over the speakers. _Moonlight Serenade_. A wash of emotions came crashing down around him, the notes bringing him back to a better time.

“You okay?” Her voice sounded far away from him as bits of his memories returned. “I haven't seen you smile like that before.”

The words came forth unbidden and soft. “The last time I danced to this song, I was at a USO dance. Her name was Mildred,” he remembered her pink dress, and how she blushed prettily when he spun her around the floor. “Another lifetime ago.”

“From what Steve tells me, you were quite popular with the ladies.”

“Yeah,” he felt his cheeks go red in embarrassment. “Not so much anymore.”

She tilted her head. “Have you tried getting back out there?”

Bucky scoffed. “I'm old enough to be someone’s grandfather. Who would want to go with an old man like me?”

“Believe me, you would have no problem.” Now, he noticed, _she_ was the one blushing. Leigh cleared her throat and sat back on the arm of the couch. “This might sound like a strange request, but humour me. If this was 1943 and you were, you know…”

“Normal?” he questioned, eyebrows raised.

“Since I started working for Tony Stark, there is no ‘normal’.” She waved her hand dismissively. He had to laugh at that. “Look, I’ve always been in awe of how you guys used to dance back in the forties. It’s become a dying art; most guys nowadays haven’t got a clue how to _sit_ next to a woman, let alone _dance_ with her.”

Bucky chuckled. “Are you saying romance is dead?”

“Basically.” She cleared her throat again. “Do you think we’d be crossing any lines if I asked you to teach me?”

“To dance?” He asked, and she shrugged. “Are you serious?”

She shrugged again, but bit her lip. “If you don’t want to--” But Bucky was already up on his feet and holding his hand out to her, and she took it readily.

They moved awkwardly at first, but eventually their steps matched the slow, easy rhythm of the music, and then to the next song, another familiar old tune. She giggled a little, looking down at her feet when he accidentally stepped on her toe and he laughed nervously, hugely embarrassed. When he looked up at her again, her eyes were shining and her mouth was still stretched in a bright, sunny smile.

“How do you do that?” Bucky asked, wonderingly. “How are you so happy all the time? You're on the verge of laughter every time I see you.”

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I just don’t see the point in being miserable. There’s enough bad stuff in the world that I don’t need to add to it. But there’s a lot of good too.” After a few moments of silence, he heard her sigh. “This is nice.”

He tightened his metal grip on her hand, frowning. “ _This_ is nice?”

“James,” she chided softly, “stop thinking that there’s something wrong with you. Focus on me.” She crept her arm up to cradle his neck. “Focus on now.”

His feet finally moved to the music, and he spun her around expertly, deciding that he really liked the surprised laugh that escaped when he twirled her back to him.

“Call me Bucky.”

She beamed up at him. “You finally trust me, huh?”

“I have for a while,” he admitted. He pulled her closer to him and brought his mouth close to her ear. “Do _you_ trust me?”

She turned her head quickly, and stared up at him, her eyes piercing through to the very heart of him. “Since the moment I met you,” she whispered with a nod.

When Bucky left an hour later, he felt the darkness within him cowering from the light that filled his soul.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the REALLY long wait!

They didn’t have many sessions since Bucky and Leigh started spending more time together. They would hang out instead; she would come by the base to watch movies or for game nights, and he would meet her at ‘their’ diner, usually for dinner or to grab a coffee if he happened to be in her neighbourhood on his morning run. But what he liked best, aside from being with Leigh, was that she had given him his first taste of normalcy in the modern age. He was free to walk around with her and not be worried about a bad guy turning the corner, or that he might “go berserk” (as Tony so delicately put it). It was the first time in a long time that he actually felt like James Buchanan Barnes and nothing more.

Bucky opened his eyes one night, relieved that the reason he woke up was because he was thirsty and not for some horrific dream. He sat up in his bed with a groan and noticed a faint blinking light from his phone on his bedside table. He reached for it, his eyes squinting at the brightness as he unlocked it and saw a text from Leigh.

 _I know it’s late but I really needed to talk to someone._ _  
_ _If you’re sleeping, call me tomorrow...or whenever._

His heart started pounding with worry. The message was sent an hour ago, at 1:23am, so she might not answer him back until the morning. He decided to reply anyway.

 _Sorry for not responding back; I just got this now._ _  
_ _Is everything okay?_

He waited, the seconds stretching out like hours, until his phone vibrated in his hand.

 _Yeah. I’m sorry._ _  
_ _I just didn’t know who else to reach out to._

 _Don’t worry about it._ _  
_ _You can call me if you want. I’m awake._

Bucky pounced to answer the call when it rang a few seconds later. “Hello?”

“Hi, Bucky.” Leigh’s voice was soft and she said his name so tenderly that he had to close his eyes to savour it. “I’m sorry for waking you up.” There was a sniffle on the other end.

“I was up anyway. Are you sure you’re okay?” Another sniffle. “Are you...crying?”

“No,” Leigh mumbled, but Bucky wasn’t convinced.

“I’m coming over.”

“No, it’s--”

Bucky hung up before she could protest and lept out of bed to change into a pair of sweatpants before dashing out of the house like a madman. Leigh _was_ crying, he was sure of it, and he wanted to know why.

When he got to her apartment, he knocked only once before she opened the door. Her nose was red and her eyes were swollen, but she managed a watery smile for him.

“You didn’t have to come, you know. I would’ve been happy just talking on the phone,” she told him as she turned from him and walked further into her apartment. He shrugged out of his jacket and followed her to the living room, where she flopped down and hugged a pillow close to her chest.

“Leigh,” he said, taking her hand. “What happened?” She only shook her head, not able to speak, it seemed, without breaking into sobs. It was so strange, Bucky thought, to have their dynamic flipped. “You can tell me.”

“It’s stupid, really. I don’t even know why I’m so upset.” She let out a long breath, puffing her cheeks before finally looking up at him with sad eyes. “It’s...my ex,” she said.

Bucky twisted his lip. “Ex-boyfriend?”

“Ex-fiance, actually.”

“You were _engaged_?” Bucky asked, incredulous. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

Leigh shrugged. “It was a really long time ago, so I guess I didn’t think it was important,” she assured him. “But I just saw an update on his social media page and…” she sighed, and Bucky saw her eyes begin to fill with fresh tears. “He’s getting married this weekend.”

“And?”

“And…” she wiped her nose, rolling her eyes. “And I don’t know. I’m happy he’s moved on, and I would never think about trying to get him back. But I’m just...jealous? Envious?” She sighed. “I don’t know how I feel.”

“Did you ever want to get married?” Bucky asked her uncomfortably. He didn’t want her to think he assumed that’s what she wanted out of life. It wasn’t the Forties anymore; women had more options than to just get married and have kids, and Leigh was brilliant enough to do whatever she wanted to do.

“To him? No. But,” she shrugged. “Maybe someday, I guess. If the right person came along.”

“I’m sure he will.”

A long silence hung in the air as the avoided looking at each other, but then he heard sniffles coming from her end of the couch. He immediately went to her, wanting to comfort her but unsure how to.

“Don’t cry, Leigh, please. I can’t bear to see you…” Bucky trailed off. “It breaks my heart to see you like this.” She shook her head and dove into him, pressing her forehead against his chest, her tears soaking the front of his shirt. He brought his arms around her, hesitant at first, but then firmly, hoping she would know he was there for her. It took a while, but soon she was calm again. Bucky shifted to look at her, moving her head to his shoulder, but her eyes were closed. She had cried herself to sleep, it seemed; her face was peaceful, though her eyes were still swollen, her face was blotched and red. He found himself making a silent promise to do everything he could to never see her this sad again; he wanted her to laugh, he wanted her to smile. She deserved only good and happy things, all the best things this cold, lonely world had to offer. Things that he would try to give her, even if it killed him.

And that’s when he felt it. He felt his world begin to tilt, turning everything he ever thought he knew upside down while she innocently rested her head on his shoulder, her hands curled in his shirt, her breathing light with sleep.

That’s when Bucky knew he was falling in love with her.  


* * *

  
Bucky thought he was alone at the base. The others had left to do their own things, and he was looking forward to having the TV to himself without Sam hoarding the remote. He was making his way to the kitchen for a snack when he got lost (he still wasn’t used to the vastness of this place), when he found himself near Tony’s office. He was about to turn around when he heard Tony’s voice from inside the room.

“So, how are things with the cyborg?”

“Don’t call him that.” It was Leigh’s voice that responded. “His name is Bucky.”

“Well, listen to _you_. On a first name basis with him now, huh? That must mean you guys are getting pretty close.”

“We’re friends.”

“Okay, then. Why don’t you tell me some of the things that you and your _friend_ talk about? I mean, I’m sure you have a ton of juicy tidbits by now.”

“I can’t tell you those things, Tony, you know that. Or do I have to remind you about patient-doctor confidentiality?”

An exasperated huff. “So you’re not telling me _anything_? What the hell am I wasting my time for?”

Bucky waited by the door, holding his breath as he waited for her to speak again.

“Are you saying you hired me so you could get information on Sgt. Barnes?” Leigh sounded indignant. “Because if that’s true, Mr. Stark, then I’ll hand in my resignation right now.”

“Don't be so dramatic; it’s not like I’m asking you to spy for me,” Tony said with a cajoling tone. “I just want to know what you talk about. Maybe give me a bit of insight as to what’s going on in his mind...”

He heard a pause, then Leigh sighed heavily. “I don’t think _he_ even knows his own mind. HYDRA really messed him up, Tony. It’s so awful.” Bucky blinked, trying to ignore the rush of tears that came to his eyes when her voice shook with emotion.

“Are you telling me you feel bad for the guy? He killed people, Leigh. My parents are dead and the guy's hands are covered in their blood. I need to know why he just let it happen!”

Bucky leaned heavily against the door. He heard her soothing voice as if she was right next to him.

“Tony, when are you going to accept the past? You can't do anything about it.”

“Why don't _you_ just admit that you're just trying to protect Barnes because you have feelings for him?”

Bucky’s eyes flew open at Stark’s accusation and he peered around the corner, seeing Leigh’s face turning bright red. “How _dare_ you?” She sputtered. “This has nothing to do with whether or not I feel _anything_ for Bucky!”

“But you do, don’t you?”

Silence. It sounded as if Leigh was struggling for words, because he heard her breaths coming in short gasps. “I...I---”

“You know, Missy, for a psychologist you're not that observant.” Tony hand slammed down on the table. “You have the hots for Barnes, and it's distorting your view to the truth!”

“ _That’s_ _enough_!” Leigh shouted, making Bucky, and Tony, jump back in surprise; he didn't think she was able to get so angry. “Tony, no one is denying that Bucky killed your parents. Even _he_ acknowledges his actions. What you fail to realize is that if it _wasn't_ Bucky, HYDRA would have sent someone else to do the job; they would have been killed either way. Your parents are gone, Tony, and no invention you create, no amount of money you have, no matter how many bad guys you kill, _nothing_ can ever bring them back!” Leigh turned, body shaking with anger. “How do you like the truth now?”

Bucky watched Tony move towards her, his body tense with guilt, but Leigh stepped away. “Listen, Doc, I didn't mean to…”

“And as for my relationship with Sergeant Barnes,” she spoke over him as she began gathering her things, putting notebooks in her bag, “he is my patient, and he is my _friend_ . And even if I _do_ care for him, I don't think that's grounds for this interrogation.”

“Leigh, don't walk out--”

“Have a good evening, Mr. Stark.”

Bucky jumped quickly back into the shadows as Leigh threw the door open and stomped out, leaving two bewildered heroes behind.


End file.
